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Internal Vision: A Ten-Day Journey to True Happiness


This book is about discovering my self and how you can discover your self.  You do not have to have a brain tumor to discover yourself - but I did. 

People often asked me what I learned from my brain tumor operation.  For years I could not articulate what I learned because I did not learn anything. 

I unlearned an extraordinary amount.  I unlearned illusions, or false self-beliefs.

You need to know my father was a verbally abusive alcoholic.  He was quick-witted, sarcastic, and mean.  He belittled my mother, my sister, my brother, and me.  He was never physically abusive, but he could verbally slice and dice a person in half with his words.  That wasn’t the worst thing about Dad though.  The worst thing about Dad, by far, was that he gave me his personality.  When I was young, I would blurt something out without thinking and then say, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”  My dad would yell at me and say, “Quit saying things you’re sorry for.” 

When Dad wasn’t around, I would blurt out the same thing in front of my mother, and she would say, “Quit saying things like your dad.”

My mother is reserved, very reserved.  She is quiet and not expressive at all.  From early on, I wanted to be like my mother, but I knew I was like my father.  I worked hard to be like my mother.  I worked hard to think before I spoke.  I would get angry, without knowing why, when people did not notice how hard I was trying to be like my mother. 

In high school, I worked hard to fit in.  I was five feet, four inches tall, and weighed 115 pounds when I graduated from high school.  I was too small for most sports, so I went out for the cross country running team.  I wasn’t a very fast runner, but I ran more miles than anyone else and was captain of the team when I was a senior. 

I studied karate while I was an administrative clerk in the Air Force.  I worked hard and was one test away from attaining my black belt when I hyper-extended my knee.

After the Air Force, I returned home to northern Minnesota and worked at a blue collar-job in an iron ore mine.  I was married when I was twenty-seven years old.  Three years later, I was laid off from the iron ore mine, just two months before my daughter was born. 
I attended a local junior college for two years, then drove sixty-five miles, one way, the last two years to attend a university.  Four years after being laid off, I graduated magna cum laude with a double major in accounting and finance.  I worked hard to get those grades. 

I tried to get a job close to my hometown after college, but when I couldn’t get a job nearby, we moved two hundred miles away to Minneapolis. 

After living in big city for four years, I was divorced.  I was thirty eight years old.

I was angry and depressed.  In fact, I was angry and/or depressed for most of my first forty years.  I spent those forty years working hard to be accepted.  No one knew who I really was, least of all me.

Then the night of my fortieth birthday, I did an unusual thing.  I prayed.  Praying wasn’t unusual for me, but this time I prayed for happiness.  I was depressed, angry, and I couldn’t take living that way any more.   I clasped my hands, looked up and said, “God, just give me a break for a change.”

Four days after I prayed for happiness, God grabbed me by the ankles, tipped me upside down, and shook me, while I continued to whine and scream.  He shook me and he shook me until all of the baggage and illusions fell to the ground. 

  • What if you could clear your mind of your troubled thoughts?
  • What if you forgave yourself, and loved yourself?
  • What if you were really, really happy?
  • What if you had the courage to show the world the real you?
  • What if you had a gift, a purpose, to help others and yourself?
  • What then?

Book Excerpts:      COVER     PREFACE     ENDORSEMENTS



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